Here it is again,

Rejected by men.

I thought I had a chance,

That’s why I attended that dance.

But no, no interest,

Maybe that’s for the best.

I just like him so,

I can’t stand his answer being ‘no’.

Older he might be,

But does that mean he can’t like me?

Can’t he feel the same?

I don’t like this game.

As I might have known,

I’ve got this thought of being alone.

My crush is so bad,

One of the worst I’ve had.

I like him still,

My heart it does kill.

With his rejection I feel sick,

Thank you kindly, Alex Brick.

So… I did it. I ended things. Officially. And we’re okay. We broke up because neither of us had the time for a long-distance relationship. And our communication sucked. We’ve accepted that. Of course, now that we’ve broken up he’s coming to contra ever Friday… but whatever, we agreed it’s not awkward, just kind of sad. So be it.

Now I’m just kind of… I don’t know… I was getting too co-dependent, and he wasn’t affected at all, nor was he aware that I was in pain. Things are going to be better now. I don’t have time for any unnecessary drama anyway. Life can be exciting or good. I just have to give it time.

On a side not, that guy who most recently molested me… came by again last night. That complicated matters a bit.

So, Eryn broke up with me on Friday. We got back together less than a day later. But he still broke up with me via text. According to him, I was supposed to know that a break up over texting wasn’t legit. I was supposed to know him better than that. I figure anyone can turn around and be a jerk even if they’re a good person, and a break up is a break up. Sorry if I’m not a mind reader.

Then, today, we had a HUGE fight. Where he’s angry that I’m upset about his breaking up with me. It caused me to lose trust in him, I admitted that so that he’d know it wasn’t okay. I told him I still liked him, wanted to make this work, was willing to work with him, etc. But now he’s guilting me for not being more understanding about him pulling a jerk move with he feels was reasonable.

During this fight he asked why I’d needed time after he apologized. I said because I knew there were other issues and didn’t want to break up a day later because of them. I also said that it was because I’m a little afraid, I’m falling hard for him, and already thing I’d be completely crushed if I lost him, I figured it was better to lose him now than later when I loved him. (I’m not using quotes here by the way.) I admitted I realized that was stupid. The I over-exaggerated and said I’d probably go insane if I were to lose him. Because he had taken me needing time as questioning whether it was worth it to go out with him. And since he can’t read this, he was somewhat right, but it wasn’t about how much I liked him. More like can we make long distance work so soon?

Now we’re going to bed fighting. I think we’re breaking up again. This time for good.

To make matters worse, I’m starting to get interested in the 23 year old. He’s only 5 years older than me. And I seem to be dating younger and younger and then we hit immaturity and fear of commitment. I want to find the one, not date for the hell of it. Eryn isn’t at that point yet. I don’t even know if this guy is single. (Though he is straight.) I’m not cheating on Eryn, I’m not going to. Eryn even told me if there’ a guy I like better to go for it. I may see if interest is returned and end things with Eryn if we’re not already there. It’s just too much stress. We can’t seem to get along anymore, and he’s cruel about his mocking and in the fights. I’m being honest and he’s saying things likes “want me to pull a ‘you’ and tell you I now like you less?” (Even though that’s not what I said.) I haven’t dated someone who has hurt me so badly while we’re dating that he’s made me cry. Not that I can remember anyway. It almost seems like he’s looking for ways to hurt me. And he doesn’t believe me either. Like… EVER. So… when I was younger, my sister used to throw stuff at me. She had some anger issues and resented me for leaving. She’s better now, and we’re best friends. But Eryn and I were talking about it, and he didn’t believe me. I had to call a witness in. Now as my boyfriend, I think he should believe me about things like that. I can’t lie to save my life. Anyone that knows me knows that. Even if I manage to lie, I feel so bad that I apologize about four seconds later. Truly. It’s kind of sad. But I would NEVER, EVER lie to him. Especially not about something like that. It kills me (metaphor) that he didn’t believe me right off. And then he has the nerve to be pissed about my being hurt by that.
He tells me he wants me to be open about my feelings with him, and his response is to mock me, not believe me, or… the worst. I send a 16 message text to him about it, after he asked and sent me like an entire paragraph. His response? ‘ok’ that was it… when I asked him if there was anything else he got all upset and demanded to know if there could ever be a moment where he doesn’t have to say something. Well first of all, I was spilling my heart, the least he could do is acknowledge it. Second of all, silence during texting is rather difficult. It doesn’t work too well.

I’m sorry for the long rant here about boys, but I’m stressed over the wisdom teeth tomorrow, and now add this to it… I just can’t handle it. It’s too much.

Sometimes things are a bit crazy… so… about 72 hours ago my grandmother and I were in the ER again. She had a heart attack and we took her in this time. When I get back, Eryn breaks up with me. I go to contra and this 50 year old guy named Eric hits on me and feels me up. (He got smacked) Then I got forced to have a long dance with Mark, Eryn’s father who didn’t know that we’d broken up, and he continuously talked about how great Eryn and I were together. Even after I explained that we were no longer dating. Get out of contra, Eryn’s called every number I have and left a zillion text messages. Then I have to spend all night figuring out what I want. Back to school shopping in the morning. After that I had to rush home to make the scheduled meeting with Eryn over skype, where he has changed his mind and we get into this complex relationship that’s not a relationship and it feels like he’s broken up with me again. Then my grandmother has a really bad hallucination that lasts the entire night. Finally she goes to sleep. I have a nightmare that I killed someone because I thought they were a unicorn…. is was weird and complex, but it traumatized me this morning. Then Eryn wants to have another talk, during it he decided we’re in a long distance relationship where we will simply never see each other. Then grandma loses it again so I have to calm her down. Then I was going on a nice relaxing jog today and I end up with a nail through my foot, go jogging while bleeding, and (to correct myself since this isn’t facebook) I passed out… I guess I lost too much blood or something, I don’t really know. It’s just….. agh… been busy. And it gets worse this week. A lot is happening, including surgery on my mouth…. boy… How I look forward to it…

This. This is what I want in a relationship. This level of intimacy, romance, connection… That right there… that’s my dream. (Not the one where I’m performing Shakespeare and Hendrix and Lucas die), the other one. It’s so sweet… I wish Eryn would do that. The ocean in the background, holding the girl like that, heads together… yes… <3

You have wonderful friends, and a loving boyfriend, but yet you’ve never felt so distanced from everyone? My best friend is going off to college Sunday night… I won’t see him before then… he’s just gone. Some of my better female friends are going off to college, I’m in what is technically considered a long distance relationship with someone who I’m only able to talk to once every couple days… I just feel alone. And I don’t even have a family to fall back on. I see Eryn more than I see my parents and sister, and the only family I live with is my grandmother, whose personality changes every few minutes. My dog is asleep in the corner… Why am I alone?

Today at the grocery store, the meat guy told me he got off in a few minutes and asked what it was like outside, and if I was doing anything. I had one of those moments where I heard everything he said but it went in one ear and out the other so I replied with “Excuse me?” He then hastily changed the subject. I realized a second after I’d replied what he had said but oh well. If I’d realized at the time what was happening I would have let him down easier. I feel bad about that, but I didn’t want to explain myself, I didn’t feel that would make him feel any better, just confuse him more since I wasn’t about to change my answer.

That poor guy.

Here’s what’s happened since I last updated… I had forgotten about my tumblr account… Opps. So much has been going on. Met with Eryn’s mom again. We talked for hours. She’s a wonderful person! I can’t wait to chat with her again. My addiction to coffee is back. My grandmother has had another stroke. I’m terrified of Thursday night to Saturday morning… Spending that entire time with Eryn… we’ve never spent more than 18 hours together before, 9 of which he’s usually asleep for. He’s going to make me eat in front of him again, I know it… last time he got mad at me for trying to vomit it up, he’ll watch me closer this time… that’s just who he is… There’s a health scare… My wisdom teeth are now coming out the 8th, not the 12th which screws up my entire schedule. I almost punched the dentist, and the technician today because they were coming near my mouth. My Shakespeare class is over, the performance went really well, even though I screwed up the As You Like It (Shepherd’s scene).

On a side note, there’s this person in my life who just doesn’t understand reality. Since things aren’t going super smoothly in life right now I can’t hang out with friends for super long periods of time. She had the nerve to whine about it, and now I’m just pissed at her. I know she can’t help it, her life’s practically perfect, and she knows no pain but dear God… I’m sorry I can’t spend 6 hours talking about boys while my grandmother goes hungry because she can’t feed herself. UGH…. Sorry, rambling. It’s been several weeks since I’ve slept well, and it’s starting to really affect me. I don’t know how much longer I can do this for. Everything’s too much stress. I can’t handle it. Bad thoughts are starting to come up again. Whenever I’m alone. (Which is often.) I’m just worried that one of these days, I’ll feel so alone in the moment, that I’ll do something drastic. And Eryn hasn’t picked up on it…. maybe that’s for the best. Sometimes though, I just wish we could spend more time together. We see each other (usually) at most once a week, and that’s during the summer. What’s going to happen at the end of this month when he starts school? And what about next month? When I start school. Are we ever going to be able to see each other? The only time I feel like myself now-a-days is when I’m in his arms or on stage.

He spent the night again. I’m terrified. I’m already falling… soooooo fast. I can’t be in love again.

He tore down some pictures on my wall too. My motivational picture. True… they weren’t the healthiest things but… *sigh* He’s so protective. Always taking care of me. Is this supposed to be a loving gesture?

Amen. Right now. Hell yes. I haven’t thought about the sex change, but I have thought about having an operation to get rid of it. But the rest of it. In that exact order… yes.